My Worst Habit

I have bitten my fingernails since I can remember. And there are photos of me from even before I have memories, gnawing away at my tiny little fingernails as if they were teething toys.

Sometimes people ask me why I bite my nails, as if they expect a well organized list of psychologically sound reasons (I'm insecure; I had a traumatic childhood; I'm orally fixated -- none of which I believe are actually true), but I really don't know why I bite my nails. I'm driven to it by forces that I just don't really understand except to say that, even when it hurts, it feels good. Or at least it feels purposeful, as if some odd resolution or goal has been reached.

I did stop biting my nails (well, nine of them anyway; I always allowed myself my thumb) twice in my life, once when I went to Germany in 1980 and once for my wedding, but it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, largely because I don't even realize when I'm biting and just being cognizant of it proved to be a lot of work! Like losing weight, it took awareness and consistent work, and (again, like losing weight) as much as I loved the result, I just went back to my bad habits over time anyway.

Some people believe that fingernail biting is a form of self-injury, just as cutting is. The fact that I sometimes chew until it hurts gives credence to this view. These people also believe that cutting presents an immediate release of tension and anxiety, and even though I might dispute this by saying that I simply chew when a ridge forms, they might have a point. I do tend to chew more when I'm anxious. During my recent trip to the Bay Area which was, since you must know (or rather, since I apparently must tell you) to interview for an Executive Producer job with Leapfrog toys (!), I not only bit my nails to the quick, but chewed the skin around them too. Why would I do that, if not to deal with nervous anxiety and tension?

On the other hand, some believe that nail biting is simply innate and instinctual self-grooming behavior, like claw-sharpening, readying one for fight and/or flight. I kind of like this stance because... well, because it doesn't make me look so psychologically impoverished and abnormal! But if this were the case, we'd all chew our nails -- and we wouldn't chew them until they hurt; we'd only chew them until they didn't get in the way.

What do you think? What's your worst habit? What drives you toward it? How do you deal with it?