Jobless in Seattle

I was laid off yesterday.

Two months ago, I was pinching myself at my good fortune and today I'm unemployed. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I didn't expect the ax to fall so quickly, so definitively and so hard.

How did this happen? Well, it came down to this: once I hired a staff it became obvious that my position was superfluous. My contribution became both redundant and tenuous once a very high level Administrative Manager was hired to deal with budgets and administrative duties (a hiring mandate given to me) and once it became obvious that the Project Director would maintain just about full ownership of the project. A few weeks ago, I handed my 4-page job description to both my bosses and asked, "What on here is still mine to own?" And they both agreed that most of the duties and responsibilities were owned by, or at least shared heavily with, other positions.

The organization was generous with me as they ushered me out and adding anything more here would jeopardize the situation, so we'll just leave it at that. But it's sad and frustrating and very emotional. The work I'm most proud of is the hiring of an amazing staff -- a staff that I unfortunately won't be working with. That's the hardest part. The job itself wasn't creative in the least and had very little connection to actual school reform and activism, so in that way it really wasn't a fit.

Now what? Now I take some time to re-assess. What do I love? What do I do well? Where is my passion? How can I best contribute? What should I avoid? My bores me? What am I just not good at? How do I do what I love and make a living at it? Hell, if I didn't have to make a living and send three more kids to college, it'd be easy. I'd write those novels that are swimming around in my head. I'd write a book profiling 50-something women -- their lives, their fears, their dreams, their joys, their secrets. I'd travel and take that slice out of my life that I often dream about. ("For three months, take a slice out of your life, LIVE it, and then return to your life, no questions asked...")

Maybe it's time to focus on me for a while. I gained too much weight in the past year because I don't move enough and because I've been stress eating. I don't write enough -- or certainly enough of substance. I don't spend enough quality time with my husband. Maybe he and I should take a quick trip to Mazatlan. Or (and?) maybe I should find myself a cabin in the woods and just write and reflect and re-energize.

I need to look at this as an opportunity... because really -- it IS.